death and taxes

After I graduated college and started making some money, I set up a mint.com account to track my finances and budget.  I loved all the detailed graphics and analysis tools that I had at my disposal and also the feeling of "adult-ness" that came from worrying about grown-up things like loan repayments and 401(k) contributions.

Well, that feeling only lasted about 6 months.  Who knew that budgets were so hard to keep?  At the time, my version of sticking to a budget involved just increasing the amount of money allocated toward a certain category if I overspent.  Spend $100 more than my monthly allowance for clothing in May? No worries! I can just raise June's amount by that amount (without lowering anything else) and that problem takes care of itself.  I literally saw no problem in doing this.  The numbers were just arbitrary anyway, right?

Needless to say, soon I stopped using the site altogether.  I thought to myself, "As long I have more money coming in than going out each month, I'm fine." No need to use an overcomplicated website and analyze fancy charts all day.  I just had to check my bank account balance every once in awhile, make sure the little number was black instead of red, and I'd be set.

I started to grow concerned however, when I realized that the little number never went much higher than the amount on my bi-weekly pay stub before dropping to zero at the end of the month.  I was living paycheck to paycheck and I had no idea where the money was going. I'm pretty sure that this isn't supposed to happen to a 20-something single guy who lives with his parents.

So, I've come to the hard realization that "winging it" is never a good approach to personal finance, no matter how burdensome or daunting it may be.  I logged into my mint account for the first time in ages a few months ago and am now learning how to actually stick to a budget instead of whatever I was doing before.  I know it's working because I've actually said "No" to myself a couple times since committing myself to it.

Worthwhile financial goals for the immediate future:

1. Increase 401(k) contributions 
2. Add to my rainy day/emergency fund
3. Pay off all student loan/car debt (almost there!)
4. Save for a house

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On a semi-related note, I found myself growing antsy waiting for my W-2 form in the mail so I could do my taxes this year.  This was the first year I had to shell out some cash to do it online because I made just over the arbitrary limit (like tens of dollars. grrr.) that would have allowed me to do it for free on H&R Block's website.  I ended up switching to Turbo Tax and paying probably way too much for the convenience when I could have just filled out a paper form for free.  But regardless, as of last night, my taxes have been filed and I have a tidy sum coming back to me in a few weeks.  Hooray for money.  Hooray for getting excited about old people things.

do work

When I meet someone new, one of the first things that usually comes up is the topic of what we do for a living.  I hate this part.  As soon as the words "Census Bureau" leave my mouth, people usually have one of two reactions.  They either ask if I count people for a living (a funny joke. really.) or they lose interest and politely change the subject.  I can't blame them if they do the latter.  I wish I could say I am proud of my chosen career path, but let's face it, being an analyst for the Census Bureau has to be one of the least glamorous jobs I've ever heard of. The list goes something like this...

My top 3 least glamorous jobs:

1. Elementary school librarian
2. Census Bureau Analyst
3. Whatever Ned Flanders does for a living

When I was in college, I used to imagine attending ritzy "networking events" and pulling out a crisp stack of cards from my perfectly tailored jacket pocket to hand them out to anyone and everyone who would take one.  Only, I never imagined that I'd be anything less than thrilled with what was printed on the front.  So, there is an unopened box of business cards sitting on my desk at work, crying out for attention, their pristine edges having never felt the loving embrace of their proud owner. Ok, that's a small exaggeration. I've given out a few, but only out of obligation, and certainly never at a ritzy anything. I don't think they exist for Census employees. The point is, I haven't ever felt anything more than mild resignation toward my current job.  

The biggest mistake I made was eventually letting this feeling affect the level of effort I gave at work.  I always justified it by telling myself that 1) "the work is not that hard" (somewhat true) and 2) "I'll be on my way out as soon as I can find something better so why give 100% now when 90% is enough? When I find something worth my time, I'll try my best." A couple things recently occurred to me however.  The first is that I've been at my job for so long now (4 years this Feb) that this once temporary mindset has long since become standard, and the second is that I've been forming work habits with this mindset that will probably stay with me regardless of where I go next, unless I make some changes now. Whoops. 

"Surprise! You're lazy!" 

Not the easiest pill to swallow.  

There's a verse that says something about doing everything you do as if you are doing it unto the Lord. Conceptually, I always understood and appreciated the sentiment, but I never imagined that it also applied to my work. It's probably easier to live this out if you're that pastor in Korea who rescues unwanted babies in a box or a conservationist off in the Amazon rainforest documenting the plight of endangered pygmy sloths or something else similarly heroic and glamorous, but surely Jesus has better things to do than to keep track of my time sheet or worry about the fact that state government revenues dipped slightly in FY 2012. I mean, I guess someone cares, but there are clearly more pressing matters to deal with, right? 

I watched this sermon by Tim Keller recently and his words changed the way I look at work. I realize now that I'd been looking at it all wrong.  I used to think the previous verse meant that I should work hard because my work somehow benefits God (i. e. the focus was on how much I could accomplish for Him, which consequently meant that I also took the glory for doing x, y, and z). But in actuality, to summarize one of Mr. Keller's (actually Martin Luther's) points, the work we do is important not because it benefits God in any way, but because when we work, we are actually actively involved in doing God's work here on earth (i. e. the focus shifts to what He wants to accomplish through me, thus giving Him the glory). He illustrates his point by saying that God could just magically make food appear in front of us 3 times a day, but he chooses to let others (the farm girl, the truck driver, the cashier at the store) take part in his work and, in turn, blesses us through their work. 

It requires some mental gymnastics on my part, but I have found that this truth applies to even an average Census Bureau analyst like me. This year, I want to undo some of my bad habits and learn to give my all before I leave this place.  I still haven't given up searching for more glamorous careers though.  

My top 3 most glamorous jobs:

1. The Stig
2. Youtube celebrity/vlogger (some of these guys make 6 figures just by talking about nothing to a camera all day)
3. Sofia Vergara's personal assistant/towel boy

In 2014, I resolve to DO (God's) WORK wherever I may be.    

homeless outreach + new years resolutions

This past Saturday, I went along with some youth group members to serve soup and hot drinks and pass out some donated jackets/care packages to the homeless in DC.

The night before, when I looked up the weather forecast, it said the temperature would be a cozy 11 degrees at 9 am the next morning.  At that point, everything within me told me to "forget" to set the alarm and skip the outreach.  After all, many of the parents had signed up and there wasn't really a need for extra chaperones.  No one would miss me, right?  Plus, in my mind, I kept trying to rationalize not going by telling myself that the homeless would all be in shelters since it was so cold out.

I don't know what made me wake up and walk out into the frozen tundra that morning, but consider it a minor miracle.  And I was wrong about there being no people to give food to.  Apparently shelters are closed during the day and only open up at night, even when it's 11 degrees out.  When I saw the army of people waiting for our supplies, suddenly I felt a small gratefulness for my space heater and warm blankets on my bed at home.

I won't say the experience was life-changing or anything that dramatic, but it's good to be reminded of Jesus' call to serve others, lest I begin to think of my own needs (read: wants) too much.  I am humbled by the fact that I did nothing to gain the security afforded to me by my parents and that it's just pure dumb luck that I'm not lying under a park bench in McPherson Square right now.

What shakes me even more is that I actually had the nerve to consider it an inconvenience instead of an opportunity.  If I had stayed home, I wouldn't have met Chung, a Bolivian immigrant with Korean grandparents (apparently Koreans love building cheap textile factories in Bolivia. who knew?) who reminded me that man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.  Or Ronny, who challenged me by asking if I really cared, or I was just out there because of obligation.  It was hard to look him in the eye.

This year, I resolve to think of myself less.

“For I was hungry, while you had all you needed. I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported. I needed clothes, but you needed more clothes. I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved."  - Richard Stearns, president of World Vision

earlier tonight, my mom's youngest brother passed away from complications that arose after he suffered a heart attack sunday morning.

some of you who read this blog (if there are any left) may know him if you've been going to ncfc long enough.  his name was james choi, although everyone called him jae, (big dude, kind of nasally voice, usually making jokes).  he was an older member of focus for quite some time, although his presence at church diminished over the past couple months due to his health problems.

those months were rough for him.  he had always suffered with diabetes, but was able to control it with insulin and other remedies.  but recently, the disease grew more serious and caused both his kidneys to fail.  since then, he began falling down a slippery slope of one medical complication after another.  numerous times he was found at work, unconscious from dangerously high blood pressure.

finally, sunday morning, his dad (my grandpa) went into jae's room at 5 am to find him complaining of chest pressure/inability to breathe.  he called the ambulance, but jae suffered a heart attack going downstairs to meet them.  the emt's were unable to resuscitate him on the 10 min ride to holy cross.  while the doctors at the hospital were finally able to get his heart beating again, by then his brain had been irreparably damaged and he lay in a coma.

we found out later that evening.  at first, i had some hope that he might open his eyes again and return to us (after all, people wake up from comas), but this afternoon i received a text from my dad saying we needed to go to the hospital.

turns out, the doctor basically said there was no way he was going to wake up and we needed to make a decision on whether to pull the plug or not.  i never expected to be involved in a situation like this (at least at this point in my life).  to me, this stuff only happened in movies or on the news.   the whole ride to the hospital, i was kind of in shock.  i wasn't able to face my emotions at all (if i even had any at the time).  

it wasn't until i got to the hospital room that my emotions finally got ahold of me  my mom told us that the doctors said that a person's ability to hear is often the last sense to go when they're in a coma.  so she had us think of things to tell him as we said goodbye.  in the back of my mind, i really doubted he could hear us, so i almost didn't see the point in saying anything.  i figured i should though, since everyone else was.  i didn't really even expect to cry or anything since i'm a pretty stoic guy.  i didn't even cry when my grandpa passed away a number of years ago.  if anything, i would say my peace and be done with it.  but as soon as i opened my mouth, it was like the first word caught on my throat and refused to leave.  i don't think i remember ever crying that hard in my life.  i managed to choke out a few words till i couldn't think of anything else and let stacey have a turn.

that's pretty much all the details i remember.  turns out, his heart rate had started to slow before we got there so we didn't need to make the agonizing decision to take him off life support.  it's almost like he was trying to make it easier for us.  i heard my grandpa say he had even gone through the trouble of cleaning out most of his drawers/closet a couple days before all this happened.  i think he knew deep down that he only had a few days to live.  even in the face of death, he tried to make his family and friends happy.  that's the kind of person he was.

he lived a modest life to say the least.  he never married.  never even moved out from his parents house.  wasn't ever really successful career-wise (worked retail at macy's).  in the world's eyes, he wasn't all that.  but he loved his family and friends (often without receiving the same amount of love/appreciation in return).  i can't even count the number of times we'd be leaving his house after a family get together when all of a sudden he'd reach into his pocket or car trunk and bring out a random present he had bought for us since the last time he saw us.  he'd just say, "i thought of you while i was at the store."  it's not like he was even the worlds greatest gift giver either.  sometimes the gifts were downright tacky, but it really was the thought that counted.  let me remind you that he worked the sales floor at macy's for a while before having to be on a fixed income due to his health problems later on.  he didn't have much to give, but he gave what he had.  i only regret not wearing some of the things he bought me more often.  i could have shown a little more appreciation, even at the expense of looking tacky for a little bit.

he was also a really goofy guy, even into his late thirties.  a real kid at heart.  always making up crazy nicknames for us nephews and nieces (stacey and i were always "cutie patooties." even well after we started college).  always quick to tease his mom when she was being a little neurotic.  he was one of those people who are able to lighten the mood of the room just by his presence.

so i guess that's how i'll remember him.  he's gone much too soon, but he made a very strong impact in my life in the short time he had here.  if you've read this entire post to this point have a cookie on me.  also, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you before it's too late.

no title

i think i want to go back to school.
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it's late, will expand on this later.

resolutions

ok, so the last part of my last post wasn't completely true.  the sunday after i wrote it, i made my sixth graders make resolutions for the new year, so i jotted a couple down as well.

1. be more proactive - (i tend to keep my resolutions very broad so anything remotely resembling progress toward one is a positive thing).  proactivity is something i lack unless i'm extremely motivated or galvanized by a task set before me.  i'm too content to just, "let things be."  after college ended, i've become more aware of the fact that nothing will probably ever be handed to me again.  if i want something, i need to find a way to take it or make it happen.  opportunities rarely just present themselves unless i do something first.  i think this might be my hardest goal to accomplish, mainly because there's no way of really measuring it.

2. budget my money better - early on, when i first got my job, i made a mint.com account and set up a "budget" for my money.  x amount of dollars allocated for food, shopping, gas etc. every month.  what i didn't realize was that budgets are hard to keep.  i ended up just increasing the amount of money allotted to each category every time i went over budget.

ex.  "hm, this says i spent 40 dollars on fast food this month when i should have only spent 25.... i must have under allocated."

after a couple months of doing that, i said, "to heck with it.  i'll just wing it" and i've been doing that for the past however many months.  my finances aren't in complete shambles or anything, (i pay off my credit card in full every month, tithe, even manage to pay some of my student loan back here and there), but i've realized i am woefully lacking in the area of saving.  any money i have left over after all the necessary expenses goes toward food/clothing/gizmos/musical instruments, basically things for my enjoyment and pleasure.  i've set a goal of being able to put a down payment on a car by the end of the year, so i need to be saving money.  if it keeps going like this, i will be money-less and car-less at year's end.

3. eat healthier/exercise more - pretty self explanatory, but important nonetheless.  i've made the decision to eat "just a little bit healthier" for every meal i eat.  whether it's substituting a salad for fries at wendy's or skipping out on rice and a tortilla at chipotle (extremely difficult) or just eating less than i usually do, something needs to change every time i eat.  i kinda got started on this before the new year began so i hope i can keep it up.

4.  build relationships - this one is kinda funny.  i wrote it down with my timothy kids in mind, but my kids took it to mean "build relationships with girls."  that's all they ever want to talk about.  also kind of interesting is that j. birk actually preached about this very topic last thursday night at impact (the emphasis for this semester won't be so much on doing 1000 different activities, but building lasting/deep relationships with those around us).  i didn't even realize i had written this down as my #4 until afterward, when i decided to write this blog.  kind of neat.

as a result of this, i've decided to try to spend more time with my class.  earlier this month, my old 8th grade class got together with our teacher (ms. rachel park) for a dinner.  not everyone was there, but enough to make it seem like a reunion.  you could tell even though we'd been separated by distance, we were still part of a family.  i want that in the future for my kids.

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so, i guess you could say i'm close to perfect, but not there yet.

new year

i guess the new year is a good enough reason to update again.

i guess by most accounts, 2010 was a pretty crummy year.  economic collapse, unending war/joblessness, various disasters (both natural and man-made), and a pervading sense of doom and gloom seemed to rule the news headlines.  it's not that good things didn't happen, it's just that the problems seemed so much bigger.  i don't know; maybe that's just how i tend to perceive these sorts of things.

of course, we tend to dwell on the past.  it's natural.  but fear not, my friends!  God makes things new!  (thanks p. jamie)  i'm not usually one to wax philosophic or even religious in my posts, but this thought really hit me during the message this morning.  what a refreshing (and relieving) idea.  i'm locking this one up in my mind for 2011.

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as far as family activities related to this day goes, not much has changed ever since i was a kid.  church in the morning, dad's family during the day, mom's fam at night.  sae-bae and dduck gook along the way.  while not much changes, i'm glad some family traditions have stood the test of time.

one very important thing was different, however.  since i'm now "a working man" (as my mom likes to say), i no longer get money for doing sae-bae.  while i was just a little bummed about it (not really), it was good to bow to and honor my elders without the financial incentive.  it's almost like not getting presents for christmas. you get to reflect on what's really important without any of the distractions.  it was funny seeing some of the baby cousins learn the ropes though.  bow, mumble something in korean, profit!  a few were reluctant at first, but once they figured it out, the change in their attitude was like night and day.

i guess this is one of those "seasons of life" things.  one period has ended (my poor un-self-sustaining era), and one has begun (not as poor, a little more self-sustaining).  soon, i'll be filling those little bank envelopes with cash and wondering where all the time went.  not until i have kids though.   so hopefully, not too soon. :)

(for my non-asian readers who have no idea what i'm talking about, koreans get together with family on new year's day to pay respect to elders by bowing and saying something along the lines of "may you be blessed in the new year."  it's tradition for the elders to give some cash in exchange.  yeah, we're just a little bit materialistic.  but we don't put as much of an emphasis on christmas, so i guess we're even.)

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resolutions?  i don't have any.  i'm perfect.