if you spell "awkward" backward, you get "daniel pyon"

I know college is supposed to make everyone more eloquent and help develop social skills for the "real world" and all, but I can't shake the feeling that it's done the exact opposite for me.

Over the past three years, I've noticed that I can be a pretty awkward guy.  I absolutely hate being in one on one situations with people I just met, or barely know through acquaintances.  Some people can take nothing and make conversations (even friendships) out of it.  Not me.  I tend to just stare off into empty space, totally ok with the fact that there is no conversation happening and completely ambivalent as to what the other person might think of me.  I don't know whether its because I don't care enough of their opinion of me to impress them with small talk, or because I care too much about their opinion that I dare not ruin it all by opening my big mouth. Probably a little of both.


It's gotten to the point where I purposely avoid making eye contact with people that I know but have nothing to say to when I pass them on grounds or in the dining hall. (I am a pro at this.  Or... at least I think I am.  Maybe people notice me avoiding them.  Which makes it even more awkward.)

Example. Today I was in the coffee shop and saw a professor across the way. I pretended not to notice, but it was too late.  He caught me looking and turning away.  Already an awkward situation.  He came over and we said hi.  Usually, people will say hi and go their separate ways.  Not this time.  I could tell he wanted to make small talk because he stood next to me.  I, of course, was only thinking about what I wanted to order and wishing he would leave.  He did.  Fifteen seconds later (I counted). A sufficiently awkward way to start my day.

Also, I feel very awkward when people give me compliments.  I'm sure its not as bad as I make it out to be, but I can't help but to think I should say something more than, "Thanks." I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't think I deserve them. Or, it could be because I don't like being the subject of attention.

I think it also has to do with my preconceived notions about an encounter with someone.  If I think beforehand that a situation will be awkward, it usually turns out that way.   Maybe its all mental.  Could mean I have hope.  I just have to remember to go into situations with a positive outlook. Somehow I don't think its that easy.


Ok bye.  (How's that for an awkward ending?)