earlier tonight, my mom's youngest brother passed away from complications that arose after he suffered a heart attack sunday morning.
some of you who read this blog (if there are any left) may know him if you've been going to ncfc long enough. his name was james choi, although everyone called him jae, (big dude, kind of nasally voice, usually making jokes). he was an older member of focus for quite some time, although his presence at church diminished over the past couple months due to his health problems.
those months were rough for him. he had always suffered with diabetes, but was able to control it with insulin and other remedies. but recently, the disease grew more serious and caused both his kidneys to fail. since then, he began falling down a slippery slope of one medical complication after another. numerous times he was found at work, unconscious from dangerously high blood pressure.
finally, sunday morning, his dad (my grandpa) went into jae's room at 5 am to find him complaining of chest pressure/inability to breathe. he called the ambulance, but jae suffered a heart attack going downstairs to meet them. the emt's were unable to resuscitate him on the 10 min ride to holy cross. while the doctors at the hospital were finally able to get his heart beating again, by then his brain had been irreparably damaged and he lay in a coma.
we found out later that evening. at first, i had some hope that he might open his eyes again and return to us (after all, people wake up from comas), but this afternoon i received a text from my dad saying we needed to go to the hospital.
turns out, the doctor basically said there was no way he was going to wake up and we needed to make a decision on whether to pull the plug or not. i never expected to be involved in a situation like this (at least at this point in my life). to me, this stuff only happened in movies or on the news. the whole ride to the hospital, i was kind of in shock. i wasn't able to face my emotions at all (if i even had any at the time).
it wasn't until i got to the hospital room that my emotions finally got ahold of me my mom told us that the doctors said that a person's ability to hear is often the last sense to go when they're in a coma. so she had us think of things to tell him as we said goodbye. in the back of my mind, i really doubted he could hear us, so i almost didn't see the point in saying anything. i figured i should though, since everyone else was. i didn't really even expect to cry or anything since i'm a pretty stoic guy. i didn't even cry when my grandpa passed away a number of years ago. if anything, i would say my peace and be done with it. but as soon as i opened my mouth, it was like the first word caught on my throat and refused to leave. i don't think i remember ever crying that hard in my life. i managed to choke out a few words till i couldn't think of anything else and let stacey have a turn.
that's pretty much all the details i remember. turns out, his heart rate had started to slow before we got there so we didn't need to make the agonizing decision to take him off life support. it's almost like he was trying to make it easier for us. i heard my grandpa say he had even gone through the trouble of cleaning out most of his drawers/closet a couple days before all this happened. i think he knew deep down that he only had a few days to live. even in the face of death, he tried to make his family and friends happy. that's the kind of person he was.
he lived a modest life to say the least. he never married. never even moved out from his parents house. wasn't ever really successful career-wise (worked retail at macy's). in the world's eyes, he wasn't all that. but he loved his family and friends (often without receiving the same amount of love/appreciation in return). i can't even count the number of times we'd be leaving his house after a family get together when all of a sudden he'd reach into his pocket or car trunk and bring out a random present he had bought for us since the last time he saw us. he'd just say, "i thought of you while i was at the store." it's not like he was even the worlds greatest gift giver either. sometimes the gifts were downright tacky, but it really was the thought that counted. let me remind you that he worked the sales floor at macy's for a while before having to be on a fixed income due to his health problems later on. he didn't have much to give, but he gave what he had. i only regret not wearing some of the things he bought me more often. i could have shown a little more appreciation, even at the expense of looking tacky for a little bit.
he was also a really goofy guy, even into his late thirties. a real kid at heart. always making up crazy nicknames for us nephews and nieces (stacey and i were always "cutie patooties." even well after we started college). always quick to tease his mom when she was being a little neurotic. he was one of those people who are able to lighten the mood of the room just by his presence.
so i guess that's how i'll remember him. he's gone much too soon, but he made a very strong impact in my life in the short time he had here. if you've read this entire post to this point have a cookie on me. also, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you before it's too late.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
resolutions
ok, so the last part of my last post wasn't completely true. the sunday after i wrote it, i made my sixth graders make resolutions for the new year, so i jotted a couple down as well.
1. be more proactive - (i tend to keep my resolutions very broad so anything remotely resembling progress toward one is a positive thing). proactivity is something i lack unless i'm extremely motivated or galvanized by a task set before me. i'm too content to just, "let things be." after college ended, i've become more aware of the fact that nothing will probably ever be handed to me again. if i want something, i need to find a way to take it or make it happen. opportunities rarely just present themselves unless i do something first. i think this might be my hardest goal to accomplish, mainly because there's no way of really measuring it.
2. budget my money better - early on, when i first got my job, i made a mint.com account and set up a "budget" for my money. x amount of dollars allocated for food, shopping, gas etc. every month. what i didn't realize was that budgets are hard to keep. i ended up just increasing the amount of money allotted to each category every time i went over budget.
ex. "hm, this says i spent 40 dollars on fast food this month when i should have only spent 25.... i must have under allocated."
after a couple months of doing that, i said, "to heck with it. i'll just wing it" and i've been doing that for the past however many months. my finances aren't in complete shambles or anything, (i pay off my credit card in full every month, tithe, even manage to pay some of my student loan back here and there), but i've realized i am woefully lacking in the area of saving. any money i have left over after all the necessary expenses goes toward food/clothing/gizmos/musical instruments, basically things for my enjoyment and pleasure. i've set a goal of being able to put a down payment on a car by the end of the year, so i need to be saving money. if it keeps going like this, i will be money-less and car-less at year's end.
3. eat healthier/exercise more - pretty self explanatory, but important nonetheless. i've made the decision to eat "just a little bit healthier" for every meal i eat. whether it's substituting a salad for fries at wendy's or skipping out on rice and a tortilla at chipotle (extremely difficult) or just eating less than i usually do, something needs to change every time i eat. i kinda got started on this before the new year began so i hope i can keep it up.
4. build relationships - this one is kinda funny. i wrote it down with my timothy kids in mind, but my kids took it to mean "build relationships with girls." that's all they ever want to talk about. also kind of interesting is that j. birk actually preached about this very topic last thursday night at impact (the emphasis for this semester won't be so much on doing 1000 different activities, but building lasting/deep relationships with those around us). i didn't even realize i had written this down as my #4 until afterward, when i decided to write this blog. kind of neat.
as a result of this, i've decided to try to spend more time with my class. earlier this month, my old 8th grade class got together with our teacher (ms. rachel park) for a dinner. not everyone was there, but enough to make it seem like a reunion. you could tell even though we'd been separated by distance, we were still part of a family. i want that in the future for my kids.
---
so, i guess you could say i'm close to perfect, but not there yet.
1. be more proactive - (i tend to keep my resolutions very broad so anything remotely resembling progress toward one is a positive thing). proactivity is something i lack unless i'm extremely motivated or galvanized by a task set before me. i'm too content to just, "let things be." after college ended, i've become more aware of the fact that nothing will probably ever be handed to me again. if i want something, i need to find a way to take it or make it happen. opportunities rarely just present themselves unless i do something first. i think this might be my hardest goal to accomplish, mainly because there's no way of really measuring it.
2. budget my money better - early on, when i first got my job, i made a mint.com account and set up a "budget" for my money. x amount of dollars allocated for food, shopping, gas etc. every month. what i didn't realize was that budgets are hard to keep. i ended up just increasing the amount of money allotted to each category every time i went over budget.
ex. "hm, this says i spent 40 dollars on fast food this month when i should have only spent 25.... i must have under allocated."
after a couple months of doing that, i said, "to heck with it. i'll just wing it" and i've been doing that for the past however many months. my finances aren't in complete shambles or anything, (i pay off my credit card in full every month, tithe, even manage to pay some of my student loan back here and there), but i've realized i am woefully lacking in the area of saving. any money i have left over after all the necessary expenses goes toward food/clothing/gizmos/musical instruments, basically things for my enjoyment and pleasure. i've set a goal of being able to put a down payment on a car by the end of the year, so i need to be saving money. if it keeps going like this, i will be money-less and car-less at year's end.
3. eat healthier/exercise more - pretty self explanatory, but important nonetheless. i've made the decision to eat "just a little bit healthier" for every meal i eat. whether it's substituting a salad for fries at wendy's or skipping out on rice and a tortilla at chipotle (extremely difficult) or just eating less than i usually do, something needs to change every time i eat. i kinda got started on this before the new year began so i hope i can keep it up.
4. build relationships - this one is kinda funny. i wrote it down with my timothy kids in mind, but my kids took it to mean "build relationships with girls." that's all they ever want to talk about. also kind of interesting is that j. birk actually preached about this very topic last thursday night at impact (the emphasis for this semester won't be so much on doing 1000 different activities, but building lasting/deep relationships with those around us). i didn't even realize i had written this down as my #4 until afterward, when i decided to write this blog. kind of neat.
as a result of this, i've decided to try to spend more time with my class. earlier this month, my old 8th grade class got together with our teacher (ms. rachel park) for a dinner. not everyone was there, but enough to make it seem like a reunion. you could tell even though we'd been separated by distance, we were still part of a family. i want that in the future for my kids.
---
so, i guess you could say i'm close to perfect, but not there yet.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
new year
i guess the new year is a good enough reason to update again.
i guess by most accounts, 2010 was a pretty crummy year. economic collapse, unending war/joblessness, various disasters (both natural and man-made), and a pervading sense of doom and gloom seemed to rule the news headlines. it's not that good things didn't happen, it's just that the problems seemed so much bigger. i don't know; maybe that's just how i tend to perceive these sorts of things.
of course, we tend to dwell on the past. it's natural. but fear not, my friends! God makes things new! (thanks p. jamie) i'm not usually one to wax philosophic or even religious in my posts, but this thought really hit me during the message this morning. what a refreshing (and relieving) idea. i'm locking this one up in my mind for 2011.
---
as far as family activities related to this day goes, not much has changed ever since i was a kid. church in the morning, dad's family during the day, mom's fam at night. sae-bae and dduck gook along the way. while not much changes, i'm glad some family traditions have stood the test of time.
one very important thing was different, however. since i'm now "a working man" (as my mom likes to say), i no longer get money for doing sae-bae. while i was just a little bummed about it (not really), it was good to bow to and honor my elders without the financial incentive. it's almost like not getting presents for christmas. you get to reflect on what's really important without any of the distractions. it was funny seeing some of the baby cousins learn the ropes though. bow, mumble something in korean, profit! a few were reluctant at first, but once they figured it out, the change in their attitude was like night and day.
i guess this is one of those "seasons of life" things. one period has ended (my poor un-self-sustaining era), and one has begun (not as poor, a little more self-sustaining). soon, i'll be filling those little bank envelopes with cash and wondering where all the time went. not until i have kids though. so hopefully, not too soon. :)
(for my non-asian readers who have no idea what i'm talking about, koreans get together with family on new year's day to pay respect to elders by bowing and saying something along the lines of "may you be blessed in the new year." it's tradition for the elders to give some cash in exchange. yeah, we're just a little bit materialistic. but we don't put as much of an emphasis on christmas, so i guess we're even.)
---
resolutions? i don't have any. i'm perfect.
i guess by most accounts, 2010 was a pretty crummy year. economic collapse, unending war/joblessness, various disasters (both natural and man-made), and a pervading sense of doom and gloom seemed to rule the news headlines. it's not that good things didn't happen, it's just that the problems seemed so much bigger. i don't know; maybe that's just how i tend to perceive these sorts of things.
of course, we tend to dwell on the past. it's natural. but fear not, my friends! God makes things new! (thanks p. jamie) i'm not usually one to wax philosophic or even religious in my posts, but this thought really hit me during the message this morning. what a refreshing (and relieving) idea. i'm locking this one up in my mind for 2011.
---
as far as family activities related to this day goes, not much has changed ever since i was a kid. church in the morning, dad's family during the day, mom's fam at night. sae-bae and dduck gook along the way. while not much changes, i'm glad some family traditions have stood the test of time.
one very important thing was different, however. since i'm now "a working man" (as my mom likes to say), i no longer get money for doing sae-bae. while i was just a little bummed about it (not really), it was good to bow to and honor my elders without the financial incentive. it's almost like not getting presents for christmas. you get to reflect on what's really important without any of the distractions. it was funny seeing some of the baby cousins learn the ropes though. bow, mumble something in korean, profit! a few were reluctant at first, but once they figured it out, the change in their attitude was like night and day.
i guess this is one of those "seasons of life" things. one period has ended (my poor un-self-sustaining era), and one has begun (not as poor, a little more self-sustaining). soon, i'll be filling those little bank envelopes with cash and wondering where all the time went. not until i have kids though. so hopefully, not too soon. :)
(for my non-asian readers who have no idea what i'm talking about, koreans get together with family on new year's day to pay respect to elders by bowing and saying something along the lines of "may you be blessed in the new year." it's tradition for the elders to give some cash in exchange. yeah, we're just a little bit materialistic. but we don't put as much of an emphasis on christmas, so i guess we're even.)
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resolutions? i don't have any. i'm perfect.
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